"Senate" How to Guide: Dying at the Right Time

Gentlemen, I have drafted an invention today. While mowing the lawn, this thought occurred to me. It gives me great pleasure to announce the advent of:

The Marvelous Mechanical Dick Sucking Machine!



Clearly, gentlemen, this concept is not entirely original-- It has existed since animal was first domesticated. However! What makes this iteration so revolutionary is its construction of common household materials and rugged durability.

Materials:
1x Medium sized vacuum, good condition is preferable, snake hose attachment is essential.
2x Latex gloves, or similar material if you are allergenic.
1x Slim wall tack or sewing needle.
5x Elastic Bands
1x Bottle of Lubricant- any type will do.
1x Bag of Ice

Now senators, I promise I am serious. I would never lie to you. I wrote this whilst defecating- now I must go buy some personal vice items--
After the break! I'll show you how to take these common items and create your own:

The Marvelous Mechanical Dick Sucking Machine!


Break



And we're back!


Detail:
1. Perforate two latex (or otherwise) gloves with little holes.
2. Liberally line both gloves with lubricant, stick one pair inside other so elastic (lipped end) glove cuffs line up.
3. Insert glove bulk fingers first inside nozzle. Leave glove cuffs outside nozzle.
4. Flip down cuffs along nozzle and secure with elastic bands until tight.
5. Once secured firmly, turn on vacuum. Suction should be at an interesting level. Insert member and commence pleasuring oneself. Twist in clockwise or counter-clockwise motions. Cool vacuum with ice to prevent overheating.

Business: High Lifes and 100s.